Hey gang,
This is mostly for the moderators but also for everybody who supported me during my withdrawal. I know I didn't post much but the times I did, you guys were really there for me and I appreciate it. I've never been the gregarious type so it was hard for me to do the whole reaching out thing, but I'm glad I found these sites because they probably saved my life. I would like to especially thank Anthea, Barbara, Madelon, Flick, Russ, Allison, Sabine, Pam, Genie, and Debra.
Well, it's been almost 10 months since I quit the benzos, and about 6 months since my last little "slip up". It has been a hard, long road, but I think I am over it. Not 100% but close. I am sleeping again. THANK GOD. My hands and feet don't hurt anymore (well, occasionally they do, but only after lifting weights...and I estimate that they will toughen up again to the point where that won't hurt them either). I don't have anxiety anymore. My blood pressure is back to 120/80. No more tinnitus. No more pings and pangs. All of the healing is happening so fast. All of the sudden, at about month 8, I started sleeping again. Soon after that the last remnants of anxiety diminished, and the physical stuff with it.
It is really weird how I have made so much progress in the last couple of months. Just about the only symptoms I do have is the occasional gastrointestinal cramping/constipation, but I'm not sure how related that is to benzo withdrawal at this point. I have some occasional heart-fluttering and I am a bit depressed about the whole ordeal. But I think anyone would be depressed if they had to pull out their entire 401K to survive. But I've started working again and I should be out of the red soon. I'm actually doing investigative work for a law firm where I live, and with any luck I'll be working medical malpractice soon. And with even more luck I may even get the opportunity to expose some of the incompetent quacks that still believe benzos are safe.
I've given up trying to talk some sense into the detox unit I went to. They won't even read the letters I've sent them. It's a sad state of affairs. But hey, if any of you would like to know of a great place to get detoxed from benzos in four days, just ask me. (p.s. that was a little heavy sarcasm...there's no four day cure)
To the moderators, I just wanted to say thank you all so much for helping me through this and helping me realize that it was withdrawal and not a mental condition. I'm so glad I didn't start taking any antidepressants. I've held onto them basically just saying "if worse comes to worse..." But I've seen so much improvement in the last two months that I'm probably going to just throw them away.
The only thing that really bothers me now is my cognitive abilities being so slow. I find it hard to read. It's like I'm just not interested. But I practice reading different things daily. I've been timing myself and my speed is back up to about 300wpm which is pretty standard. It just feels like it takes a lot of focus, whereas in the past I didn't really have to focus on anything. I'd just absorb it. Hopefully, my mentation will return soon also.
All in all, I am counting my blessings. Going through this for even 9 months was just too damn long. I cannot even see how those of you who have taken years to get better even do it. I sympathize with you so much and I pray that all of you will recover and know what it is to once again get a good night's sleep and go through a full day, week, month without any anxiety.
Had someone told me before I stopped taking benzos that 10mg/night of valium would cause this I honestly would not have believed them. And there are moments even now when I don't believe. It's like I'm in denial of what I just went through or something. I think it's my way of creating some distance between me and the withdrawal.
I know that some of you probably remember how bad some of my posts were. That's what I want to apologize for. I feel very embarrassed that I even contemplated what I did, but at that moment, I was at my worst, and I literally felt like I would never get better and that's just the way I would be until the day I died. For those of you who gave me words of encouragement during this time, and you know who you are, I thank you so much. I wish I could give you all a big hug. I'm eternally grateful, and glad that I listened to you all. You were right. Things do get better.
Love and healing to all,
Tyson