Although I do not post here of late, I regularly read messages. It continues to give me strength to do so. I was cold turkey’ed in 7 days from benzos in a locked psych unit in March 2005. I went to a rehab for 28 days after that. I was racked with panic, anxiety, was constantly crying, experienced intense muscle spasms, blurred vision, tingling in my arms and legs, muscle weakness, feeling like I was walking "on the moon" and way too much more. I did not have this group to help me ‘reality test’ what I was going through then. The staff and patients at the rehab thought that I was complaining in an effort to seek attention, making up my symptoms and crazy. After I left the rehab, I checked myself in another psych unit. I did not know what else to do at the time. I honestly thought that I was having a psychotic break. Why else would I have been experiencing such strange and horrific symptoms?
About 6 or 7 months ago, I found this site. While my withdrawal symptoms were all just about gone by then, it was enormously helpful to finally know that what I was living through was a result of stopping benzos. I basically knew that by the time I came "here" - however to read about others and hear from the moderators and read their posts to others was and still is such a confirmation to me.
In 2002, I went to my first rehab. They withdrew me from benzos and opiates in 16 days. When I left, I was equally as nuts as I was 2 years ago. And needless to say, I had no clue as to why. I did not know I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms! And neither did my husband. And so, my husband asked me for a divorce and told me not to return to the company I had begun and grew and ran with him. I was simply too weak to stand up to him. I began taking benzos again because I thought that I could not possibly live without them. I thought that I had some type of permanent damage from benzo use and abuse and that I must have, at the very least, had a severe anxiety disorder.
I am not writing this with self pity, not at all, because now, I DO KNOW. And most of all, I am okay. Yes, I feel low at times. But I am clear and not particularly anxious. I do not need to take drugs anymore! I am not living in withdrawal anymore. Nor do I need to take benzos. I do attend AA and it helps me. I get to live life and I have yet another chance. Two years ago I wanted to die. I am blessed and I am one lucky camper.
Thank goodness for this site. There is a way out and here people can find out about it. There is hope. Thank you to everyone - those who are willing to share their pain - as well as those able to share their experience!
In loving kindness,
Barbara