Tis holiday time, that time of year
And you ask me how I feel 3/6/03
Holiday Poem: On Feeling and Dreaming
They said, But its a medicine!
The doctor said, Take Klonopin.
The doctor said, I think youre stuck.
Tis Christmas time and I am home.
Am I Alive, or Am I Just Living?
It's no fun being thyroid sick
Tis Christmas time and I am home Version Three
Got up this morning sick as a dog
This Isn't Just Happening to Me
Can
Someone Tell Me How to Live In The Now?
The Dawn Falls Silently
It's Mindboggling What Benzos Can Do
This Taper is Worse than the Last One
How Do You Talk Your Way Out Of Depression?
Perhaps One Day I'll Be As Good As New
It is our Faith which Makes us Whole
Happy Birthday from our Fluffies
I Want to Feel Better with all of my Heart
Tis Christmastime and I am Home -- Version 4 of a similar poem I wrote
It's Easter and, of course, I'm home
It's Not Where You Are, It's Where You're Going
There Are So Many Reasons Why I Have To Try
It Isn't Much Fun Having Bronchitis
Hello, My Friends, Heed My Advice
My poem, "The Geriatric Junkie", was published in an anthology entitled "The Best Poems and Poets of 2003"
Every morning I burp and sneeze
And in a while I cough and wheeze.
I know full well why I am ill
I'm weaning myself off a pill.
Out of the blue I start to cry
And later on I simply sigh
My husband asks me why I'm sad
And I reply I'm going mad.
And every day I never know
Exactly how my day will go.
I take life one day at a time
From the ridiculous to the sublime.
In Rhinebeck, we went out to eat
The food we ate was quite a treat.
I managed not to barf it up
But I burped in my coffee cup.
I tried to sing "Caro Mio Ben"
It brought me back to way back when
I used to sing day after day
When life was easy as child's play.
In my chagrin I still rejoice
That God gave me a singing voice.
Sometimes I act just like a monkey
'Cause I'm a geriatric junkie!
Copyright 2003 by Genie E. Polower
This benzo poem was published in 2003 in an anthology called
"The Colors of Life."
It appears that Benzo addiction
Is a strange manner of affliction.
Our brains are always in a fog
Our vision is beset with smog.
At times we find we cannot talk
And it's an effort just to walk.
Our muscles ache, our backs are sore
And our nerves are in an uproar.
Our anger makes us want to scream
Our life becomes just a bad dream.
Each morning the new day we dread
As we are catapulted out of bed
By some weird force from deep within
Or something crawling on our skin.
We are sometimes afraid to live
We fear we have nothing to give.
But we keep on plugging away
Because tomorrow's a new day.
We know it's just Benzo addiction
Which is causing us so much friction.
Copyright 2003 by Genie E. Polower
This poem, "How I Got Hooked On Ativan", was published in an anthology entitled "The Best Poems and Poets of 2004"
BTW, this is a true story.
Four years ago my Daddy died
And so I lay me down and cried.
I ran amok, was ill at ease
The doc said I had Graves' disease.
And he put me on Ativan
That's how the sh*t had hit the fan!
The doc gave me these little pills
And said that they would cure my ills.
Instead I was sick as a dog
And soon I lived in Benzo fog.
I couldn't think; I couldn't work
Most of the time I was a jerk.
And now I had a drug addiction
Along with my thyroid affliction.
I say the docs should take these meds
Instead of messing with our heads.
Don't trust the doctors with your life
For they'll just give you pain and strife.
All they'll do is give you a pill
That's guaranteed to make you ill.
Copyright 2004 by Genie E. Polower
Dear Friends,
Tis holiday time, that time of year
Tis holiday time, that time of year
A time for happiness and cheer
But when the Benzos got you beat
This holiday won't be such a treat.
Instead of the usual holiday shopping
We are all stuck with our pill popping
Instead of going to the mall
We're going through our drug withdrawal.
Instead of visiting our friends
We're stuck at home having the bends,
Instead of dressing ourselves up
We're busy at home throwing up.
But maybe this time in a year
There may be time for fun and cheer
'Cause maybe next year we will see
A time when we are Benzo free!
Happy holidays to everyone!
Warm regards,
Genie
The sleeping pole--warning--slightly off-color
Dear Friends,
I couldn't sleep the other night
My nerves were wired much too tight,
I told my hubby I couldn't sleep
And suddenly, I began to weep.
"Genie don't cry ", my hubby said.
"Why don't you take a bath"?
I took a bath and was so cool
I felt just like a freezing fool.
"Why don't you try to drink some tea"?
I drank the tea and had to pee.
"Why don't you try my sleeping pole?
The sleeping pole will make you whole.
'Tis better than a sleeping pill
A sleeping pill will make you ill."
Sorry for the slightly off-color poem.
Warm regards,
Genie
And you ask me how I feel? 3/6/03
Dear Friends,
Have a brain which doesn't work
And a knee which tends to jerk.
Have a stomach full of gas
And that gas is in my ass (whoops!)
Have an awful eyelid twitch
And my feet, they always itch.
Have a chest which wants to pound
And I cough just like a hound!
Have a small and round pot belly
And the legs, they feel like jelly
Have a butt that wants to shake
And a constant tummy ache.
Have a pain within my thigh
And a constant urge to cry
Have a a throbbing in my heel
And, you ask me how I feel?
Holiday Poem: On Feeling and Dreaming
Dear Friends,
Sometimes I feel excited,
And often quite delighted.
I'm reeling with emotion.
And positive devotion.
Sometimes I feel elated
And positively sated.
I'm full of optimism
And little criticism.
Sometimes I feel successful,
Even when life is stressful.
Sometimes I feel so happy
Although I can be sappy.
Sometimes I feel like sharing
With people who are caring
Sometimes I feel much love
And thank the stars above.
Sometimes I feel such joy
For every girl and boy.
Sometimes I feel so giving
And sense the joys of living.
Sometimes my heart is feeling
A warmth which is appealing.
Sometimes I'm full of sadness
And strive to avoid madness.
When faced with tough decisions
We can't abide derision.
We have to face rejection
Without too much dejection.
In life, we take a gamble
And, if I seem to ramble
I'm only trying to express
That sometimes life can cause distress.
In life, we have to face the deaths
Of those we often love the best.
The sudden death of my poor Dad
Had left me so bereft and sad.
Breaking up with my first husband
Was not that easy to withstand.
It is hard to recover
From the loss of a lover.
But life is full of ups and downs
It's better to smile than to frown.
But, sometimes I do feel so weary
And definitely mighty teary.
Sometimes I think of poor old Mom
Who struggles on with such aplomb
Sometimes we cannot change the past
Dream of a future which will last.
I always try to think things through
Of what is best for me and you
There is a seed within my heart
Which spurns me on to do my part.
Survivors strive to do the best
And sometimes are put to the test.
And, so, in order to succeed
We must acknowledge others' need.
So, I will now follow that dream
To be part of a greater team.
A hill is not too hard to climb
If I take one step at a time.
Yours in withdrawal. Very rough day today.
Love,
Genie
They said," But it's a medicine"!
Dear Friends,
Today I called a detox clinic,
You wonder why I'm such a cynic.
I said, "I'm hooked on Ativan."
They said, "But it's a medicine."
I asked, "What's wrong with medicine"?
They said, "It isn't heroin."
They'll only get you off hard stuff
No wonder we have it so rough.
I called St. Francis Hospital,
A lady asked me why I called.
I told her that I'm hooked on Benzos,
She asked me all about my dose,
I said 2-1/4mg's my dose,
She said, "Your dose is much too low.
Go back to your doc, he'll do your taper."
Thus ended another fun-filled caper.
So, here's the morale of the story:
It's no wonder that we worry,
'Cause if you're hooked on legal pills
They don't know how to cure your ills.
The docs don't even have a clue
The clinics don't care about you
Unless you're on a high dose -- funny!
I guess all they want is your money.
Yours in withdrawal.
Love,
Genie
The doctor said, "Take Klonopin."
Dear Friends,
The doctor said, "Take Klonopin."
I think he's trying to do me in.
It's bad enough with Ativan,
When you don't have a better plan.
And then, he said, "Take Ambien."
I'll wind up in a Lion's den!
It's bad enough to have addiction
I do not need a new affliction.
If I could switch to Valium,
My life wouldn't be like bubble gum
But, at least I would not go insane
For all my suffering and my pain.
Perhaps the docs should take the stuff
Instead of walking off in a huff
Whenever a patient disagrees
Or somehow seems to act displeased.
I have to make a slight confession
I hate the medical profession!
All docs prescribe is medication
Instead of perhaps meditation.
They do not care if we are ill
Because they gave us the wrong pill!
Yours in withdrawal and back to writing poetry,
Love,
Genie
The doctor said, "I think you're stuck."
Dear Friends,
The doctor said, "I think you're stuck."
Which means I guess I'm out of luck.
He asked me to cut back my pill
But he could see I am so ill.
I belched so much I couldn't talk
I shook so much, I couldn't walk.
He felt so sorry for me then
He put his arm around me and
He said, "I wouldn't blame you in the least
If you decided to increase
Your dose of Benzos and give in,
Of course, I still want you to win
Your struggle against this evil pill
But since you are so very ill
Take a break -- go out and chill
Maybe next month you'll cut your pill."
I'm so depressed I want to cry
I feel like poop, I cannot lie.
I spend most of my time in bed
When I get up my face turns red
This blood pressure thing's a real bitch
The problem is -- there is a hitch.
I don't have essential hypertension
What I've got is just an extension
Of "Benzoitis" in all its glory
The pukes and pooping can get gory.
So, if you're stuck at a certain level
Blame it on the Benzo devil,
And hope to Hell this will subside
So you can end this rollercoaster ride!
Yours in withdrawal. Hang in there, everyone. Next week I try
acupuncture. The doctor thinks my nervous system has to calm down
before I can taper again. I hope he's right.
Love,
Genie
Tis Christmas time and I am home.
Dear Friends,
Tis Christmas time and I am home,
For, how far can a Benzoid roam?
It's tough to feel the Christmas cheer
When you can't even drink a beer!
I have so many cards to send
While I am trying hard to mend.
Maybe I'll send out a Benzo ditty,
Can't write much more -- what a pity!
No parties, no guests, no broohaha,
Can't even sing fa la, la la.
But, I can really shake and shiver
And, I can also eat a sliver
Of cake and get a sugar high,
Or, maybe I will bake a pie.
For Chanukah, we had a Menorah
Of course, I could not dance hora.
Now, tis the season to be jolly,
So, we will "Deck the Halls with Bows of Holly."
Love and peace,
Genie
When you visit the ole shrink
Dear Friends,
When you visit the ole shrink
Don't tell him that you can't think
'Cause he'll give you some Elavil
That's guaranteed to make you ill.
When you visit the old doc
Don't tell him you've run amok
'Cause he'll give you some Ativan
And the shit will hit the fan.
So, every time you're feeling ill
The docs want to give you a pill.
So, tell them that you feel just dandy
And maybe they'll prescribe some candy!
By the way, you can always substitute "her" for "him" in my poems.
Don't want to be sexist. Some of you have female docs, too. Hope
you're all feeling reasonably well.
Yours in withdrawal --
Genie
Hi, Friends:
I managed to unearth my pooping princess poem, which I posted to the
big benzo board on July 2, 2002, with a lengthy message about my detox
experience. For those of you who are interested in the message, the
number of the post was 52745. Helen, it might interest you to know that
someone you know actually liked the silly poem.
I am a pooping princess,
I poopoo all day long
My buddies think I'm wacky
They do not know what's wrong.
Sometimes they come and ask me
To come outside and sit
But I'm glued to the toilet
Trying to take a sh*t.
Maybe when I feel better
I'll learn to poopoo less
And maybe I'll be stopped up
And stop making a mess.
But, I'm a pooping princess
So, what else can I do?
It's no fun going poopoo
Or living in the loo!
I remember writing this poem in the detox center. The detox facility
was actually pretty posh. We actually had a French chef who cooked our
meals. The problem was that I had a bad case of the runs. We spent a
large part of the day outdoors sunning ourselves (remember, this was in
Miami), and I used to sit outside with my friend, Sherry, who was
trying to get off Oxycontin. Sometimes I was glued to the toilet,
though, because of the diarrhea, and the staff there said they never
met a patient who spent so much time on the toilet, hence the pooping
princess. Little did I know that after detox the real sh*t would hit
the fan!
Love,
Genie
I'm 10 months off and going strong
And still I feel there's something wrong
Butt bumps are gone, obscene itch too
But sometimes this feels like the flu
At night I lay me down to sleep
And pray the Lord my health to keep
I drift off peacefully and then
I'm not exactly sure just when
I am ejected out of bed
By some weird force inside my head
At 5 a.m. I start to shake
I feel like there's been an earthquake
My ears are red, my bladder hurts
I sleep and wake in fits and spurts
My cortisol must be too high
This is frustrating, I won't lie
One moment hot and then I'm cold
Maybe I'm simply getting old
If only I'd sleep through the night
I wouldn't bemoan my sad plight
Everything else is peachy keen
And I feel marvelously clean
I'm back to my old silly self
No longer sitting on the shelf
I'm active and I'm losing weight
Those excess moose pounds which I hate
I'm going out and having fun
And basking in the Naples sun
It's just the mornings which I dread
The benzo's messing with my head
It's 6 a.m. as I write this
Because I had to take a p*ss
Now off to sleep again I go
To face tomorrow nice and slow.
Love,
Genie
I am so hot, I sweat so much
My skin is so wet to the touch
My underarms, they have this stench
And, I sure am no sexy wench!
My ears, they feel like they're on fire
And I have this burning desire
To jump into a lukewarm bath
To get rid of this endless wrath
Which comes with sweating all the time
And feeling like I'm full of slime.
My husband says: you have the hots
I say it's better than the trots
But, when will I ever cool down
And stop behaving like a clown?
Hugs
Genie
Insomnia
Insomnia is not sleeping
When you really should
Insomnia causes weeping
Instead of "slumberhood."
Insomnia leads to reading
Or watching the TV
While at all hours you're pleading,
"Dear God, I need some zzzz's."
Insomnia is a sorry state
A horrid way to feel
We fear we'll always be awake
We fear we'll never heal.
Insomnia is an evil
Which the benzos brought
Instead of having fever
You're awake and all distraught.
Insomnia, insomnia go away
Find somewhere else to play
Please let me go to bed
Instead of playing with my head.
Hugs,
Genie
Dear Friends,
It's New Year's Eve and I am tired
But tired's preferable to wired
I just spent the entire day packing
No wonder energy I'm lacking
Not to mention my weary butt
Which spent a long time on the pot
I used to go to New Year's parties
Instead I have the poops and farties
I guess it's known as benzo gut
Which keeps me home and in a rut
All my good friends are out there drinking
And, I'm sitting here just thinking
Of how nice it would be to feel better
And so, I write this benzo letter
On Wednesday Florida here I come
Although it's pretty far from home
I hope I'll have a little fun
Or, at least soak up some sun
Whenever I'm feeling down and out
I simply sometimes want to shout:
Why did I get benzo ill?
It's coz I took a stupid pill.
So, have a happy New Year, friends
And hope and pray this nightmare ends!
Yours in recovery,
Genie
Am I
Alive, or Am I Just Living?
Am I alive, or am I just living?
When I feel alive, I want to be giving
But, I am so ill, and I am so weary
There's hardly a day when I'm feeling cheery
The slightest noises cause me to shake
My brain starts to tremble and inwardly quake
I can't stay in bed coz of my IBS
If I lie down too long, I bleed from my **s (oops)
What kind of a life is this
Confined to my home?
I'd much rather wander and travel and roam
But, pain and anxiety keep me in this prison
I only wish this had some rhyme or some reason
I was sick like this some years ago
Recovery did happen, although it was slow
I want to recover, to laugh and to play
But, what can I do, when I just have no say
As to what my poor brain and body will do?
So, I'm stuck in my house in the bed or the loo
the benzos and hormones are having their way
So, I must take this life day by day
My dear husband's hurting, he deserves a life
Instead he is saddled with a scared and sick wife
I hope for a miracle, tis hard to find
For now all I can do is ask for peace of mind.
Love,
Yours in recovery,
Genie
Benzo free for almost two years and had to reinstate because of
recurrence of Graves' disease.
It's no
fun being thyroid sick
By Genie Polower
It's no fun being thyroid sick
I'll tell you this today
When your thyroid's out of whack
All you can do is pray.
One hour you're up
Next hour you're down
Emotions seem to have no bounds
One day depressed, next day elated
Sometimes you're even constipated.
It's no fun having Graves' disease
You think you're going crazy
You hardly sleep, you hardly eat
and people think you're lazy.
Your head feels like it's in a vice
You try to eat a bowl of rice
You don't know if to poop or puke
And doctors want to give you nuke!
RAI, treatment of choice
Will possibly make you lose your voice
If lucky, you won't lose your eyes
A lot depends on dosage size.
It's no fun when you cannot sleep
And lie in bed instead and weep
Till you take your stupid benzo pill
Which is guaranteed to make you ill.
It isn't sweet to have to wait
Till medicine works -- perhaps too late
On top of it, you're benzo sick
And want to recover double quick
And doctors tell you to be patient
You'ld rather take a long vacation
And swim and bask beneath the sun
And tell yourself you're having fun.
It's lousy being thyroid sick
I'll tell you that right now
But I am gonna beat this thing
If only I knew how!
Love,
Yours in recovery,
Genie
I celebrate myself today. I am alive. I am growing. I am willing to do all I am
able to do to be the best of who I am.
Tis Christmas time and I am home
(Version Three)
Dear Friends,
Tis Christmas time and I am home
For, how far can a benzoid roam?
While other folks are drinking beer
I'm paralyzed with benzo fear.
While all my friends are eating well
I'm dealing with a puking spell.
While other people are having fun
I'm dealing with my MIL's runs.
She had a nosebleed late at night
And she really gave me quite a fright
My husband told her go to sleep
But all she did was kwetch and weep
As a result, I lay awake
Trying to stop my bellyache
And, now she's lying in her bed
And I have a big pain in the head
They say that holidays are stressful
And that's the reason we're all fretful
I tried to play her my CD
But all she did was yell at me
For not making it to the Met
Which is something, I, too, regret
My poor, dear husband has to suffer
He has to try to be a buffer
Between his Mom and me and all our woes
Surprised he doesn't have a bloody nose.
I'm hoping by the afternoon
I won't be baying at the moon
I'll try to spread some Christmas cheer
Instead of crying in my beer (BTW, I don't drink)
I'll try to sing O Holy Night
And drive away this sense of fright
Maybe next year will be much better
And I'll write a different kind of letter
Hope your holiday will be pleasant.
And, I hope you enjoyed my little present. (this poem, I mean)
Love,
Genie
On Aging
By Genie Polower
Aging is something we all must endure
Unless, perchance, they find a cure
For all that ails us as we grow older
And, unless we learn to become bolder
And demand answers from uncaring physicians
Who often put us in precarious positions
By prescribing palliative, not curative meds
Or by telling us everything's all in our heads.
It's unrealistic to expect to feel well
When some days we feel like holy Hell
And many people in their 60's
Might just be looking for some quick fixes.
It's the rare older person who is perfectly healthy
Even those who are independently wealthy
And, if, like me, you've got a rare disease
You have to put up with lots of unease.
You learn as much as you can about your condition
And educate doctors about your position
On treatment options and woes and fears
And, sometimes you're even reduced to tears
When nothing they give you seems to work
And, because you sometimes behave like a jerk
Because of illness-induced mood swings
And serious concerns or silly things.
Aging is not for the feeble-minded
Nor for people who are totally blinded
By empty promises of a cure
We need to accept that we are ill
Or, when we need to pop a pill
We need to be thankful we are still alive
And do our utmost to try to survive
Getting older is sometimes quite trying
But, no matter what, it still beats dying
The only alternative to growing old.
So, tell yourself you're wiser now and definitely bold!
Love,
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
Benzopression
By Genie Polower
Never felt such bad depression
I think I need a crying session
I often force myself to walk
And it can be a chore to talk
Can't get out of my own way
When e'er I try to sing or play
Self-absorption is my game
Which seems to be a crying shame
And, now you're all my only friends
Coz you don't care I've got the bends
Or, when my poor brain can't compute
Or, when sometimes I eat some fruit
And barf it up all back again
And try to deal with my rib pain.
Benzo withdrawal can make you lazy
Or, you think you're going crazy
I've beaten this once, I'll heal again
In spite of all this awful pain
And, you can do it, too, my friends
Even if you, too, get the bends
Just keep on taperin' and you will see
That life will improve for you and me.
Love,
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
It's a bad day in Benzoland
By Genie Polower
It's a bad day in Benzoland my stomach is churning.
My head feels like lead and my fingers are burning.
I wish I had something more upbeat to say
But, it seems like this saga gets worse every day.
Was going to cut soon, but feel I'll get sicker
But, maybe it's better to get off this stuff quicker.
Turtle tapering is wiser, but won't always work
Because half the time I act like a jerk
Don't want to see people, but dread being alone
So, at times I just talk for hours on the phone
Whoever just happens to be on the line
Seems forced to listen to me constantly whine
About how I am faring or not faring at all
About how all my symptoms are benzo withdrawal
I wish this darned headache would just go away
For, if it were better, at least I could play
My CDs or maybe just watch the ole telly
Instead, I obsess about my benzo belly
Tis tough when you know that you're supposed to eat
But, everything tastes just like dirty old feet
This weight loss is worrisome, to say the least
Wish I had the desire for a delicious feast
I keep telling myself that things have to improve
But, I know it takes time, and at times I can't move.
The fact that my thyroid also is sick
Doesn't make me feel like I'll recover double quick
But, this benzo withdrawal is surely the worst
It's as though I've been beset by some horrible curse.
So, I wish everyone else a much better day
I still think of last year when I'd sing and play
Piano at all hours of the night
And, never a worry, or never a fright
Now, I live in fear of today or tomorrow
And, the depression can sometimes cause constant sorrow.
Oh, God, I do pray it will start to get better
But, right now all I can do is write you this letter.
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
Got up this morning sick as a
dog
By Genie
Got up this morning sick as a dog
Tired of being a bump on a log
Crying my eyes out and riddled with pain
Feeling as though I've got nothing to gain
Burping and belching away like a sailor
Feeling like a fool and like a sick, abject failure
If only I didn't have awful night sweats
I might get some joy out of all of my pets!
I don't understand how I had been this silly
After all, my dear friends, I'm not some young filly
I didn't need hormones way past menopause
So now I am suffering additional loss
From C/T off estrogen and the benzo taper
This isn't my idea of a great, fun-filled caper
The mornings are definitely by far the worst
And, this is why I sometimes feel I am cursed
I'm burping and coughing and trying to sneeze
And trying like heck not to upchuck and wheeze
And I am quite powerless having no say
About these old symptoms which plague me each day
About these hot flashes which burn me each night
And cause me to wake up each morning with fright
Perhaps in an hour I'll get in the groove
And some of my symptoms will start to improve
I do not want my good friend to see me so sick
Coz he'll start to worry and fret double quick
He's coming at 1 to help me with my singing
But right now my stupid right ear is still ringing
The mere thought of eating makes me want to heave
I wish I had more new good tricks up my sleeve
Shaking and quaking I feel like I'm dying
But I know full well that the reason I'm crying
Is knowing the benzos are having their way
And are setting out trying hard to ruin my day
The pain in my shoulder just isn't much fun
When I should be frolicking in the bright sun
Instead I am sitting here trying to sneeze
And hoping my friend will help put me at ease.
Yours in withdrawal,
Love,
Genie
Another Bad Day
By Genie
I woke up today with a pretty bad headache
And I also had a fairly minimal brain shake
Sometimes I'm feeling like I am in a rut
Today's the eighth day since my last benzo cut
My tummy is hurting, and I'm a bit dizzy
And everyone thinks I'm just in a tizzy
I used to be stable and pretty mature
And now I think everything is horse manure
Can't listen to music and can't even read
And it's a big effort just trying to feed
My poor tummy which is trying hard not to upchuck
And, so I am grazing my food like a duck
Sunday I felt marvelous -- had a voice lesson
He wants me to have a recording session
But, how can I schedule a stressful event
When I am downtrodden with energy spent?
I guess I must take this one day at a time
And keep writing these ditties which always must rhyme
I hope you, my friends, are much better today
Coz recovery is always a few steps away.
Love,
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
This Isn't Just Happening to Me
By Genie E. Polower
Never in my life have I felt so ill
And all because I've been taking a pill
At 60, my health is already fragile
My muscles are weak, where I used to be agile
Sometimes I think I'm completely at sea
And I say: This isn't just happening to me.
The pain, it persists, the uncontrolled jerking
And, if truth be told, I'd rather be working
Than day after day being chained to my house
Like a helpless and terribly caged and scared mouse
Yet, in rational moments, I'm able to see
That this isn't just happening to me.
I have diarrhea, sometimes constipation
And, after an annoying fasciculation
I run to the toilet and try to upchuck
And when my head hurts me, my brain will get stuck
I think of everyone else on the group
Who is desperately trying to get out of the loop
And, cryingly, just I when I long to be free
I say: This isn't just happening to me.
I'm trying so hard to remain positive
But often my thoughts wind up negative
My GABAs are misfiring and I'm often tiring
Of living in this suspended animation
And fighting so hard to feel some elation
And, when my poor mind struggles hard to be free
I say: This isn't just happening to me.
Over and over, I say it's the pill
Which is causing me to feel oh so ill
I talk to myself in a positive way
And I tell myself often there will come a day
When I am content and smiling again
Although I have no idea of where or when
And, when my logic takes over, you see
I say: This isn't JUST happening to me.
To all of you who are suffering as I am, try to do something which
will make you feel as you have a future -- even if it's just writing
a silly poem, such as mine.
Love,
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
A Life on Hold
By Genie Polower
My lovely life was put on hold
After one day I was attacked
By a man who really had nothing to lose
After he had been summarily sacked
My illness erupted in leaps and bounds
And pretty soon benzos were dished out
And here I hide in this dank hole again
As though living under a dark cloud.
No more frolicking with fair weather friends
No more singing into the wee hours
No more cooking luscious meals
Or planting bountiful flowers
An occasional musical session
Helps to bring me out of the dark
Of my benzo-induced deep depression
But all in all my life's on hold
And I take this illness hour by hour
In fear, though trying so hard to be bold.
What is a life which has little meaning
What is a life which makes no sense
Which is fraught with sadness, gloom and weaning
At my poor, loving husband's expense?
And now talk of nuking my hyperthyroid
Which has now become such a mess
Is only adding to my existing anguish
And creating a plethora of stress.
In dreams, I think of singing arias
Of becoming a grand musician
But sitting here alone on the shelf
Makes me feel like a politician
Every time a friend comes by
I'm full of lame excuses
My head it hurts, my brain, it shakes
And I have to dream up ruses
So that I can be left alone
In this life of panic and little sleeping
In these wee hours which are all my own
Where I often lie there weeping
And yet, in my darkest hour
I watch my cats do their kitty thing
And sometimes I watch a budding flower
And fondly think of fall and spring
A life on hold is never easy
For life, it should be productive
But, I'm unable to do much at all
Except to be instructive
There must be a pony beneath this dung
For, I'm dancing as fast as I can
I hope and pray this, too, shall pass
For, when there's hope, there's a plan!
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
Headaches
A poem by Genie Polower
Headaches are what really plague me
The pain makes it hard for me to see
It radiates from behind my eyes
And really cuts me down to size!
Had a great window yesterday
Had company and we all played
Piano and did a lot of singing
And now my silly ears are ringing!
Supposed to make a cut tonight
That is, unless I die of fright
Headaches make me want to throw up
I wish at 60 I'd just grow up!
And learn to accept my benzo plight
Instead of thinking I've a right
To lead a normal, painfree life
Devoid of fear, sorrow and strife!
Benzo withdrawal can kick your butt
And make you feel you're in a rut
And then you think this will take years
Which only adds to all your fears!
There isn't much else I can say
Other than be careful when you play
And, if you think tapering's a curse
Cold turkey is a whole lot worse!
Love,
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
After A Time
By Genie E. Polower
After a time
You have to learn
That love doesn't always mean hugging and kissing
That life isn't always a bed of roses
That passion is never constant
That it constantly waxes and wanes.
After a time
You have to learn
That illness is not always forever
That joy is sometimes ephemeral
That happiness isn't something money can buy
That acceptance sometimes means living in the moment.
After a time
You have to learn
That everyone has an independent life
That life doesn't always revolve around you
That helping others can be of comfort
That love means giving, and not stifling your loved ones.
After a time
You have to learn
That you alone must muster all the strength you have
That you can learn from your mistakes
That illness is a journey into the unknown
That there's truth in the saying that
Where there is life, there is hope.
Love,
Yours in withdrawal and recovery,
Genie
Can Someone Tell Me How to Live In The Now?
By Genie E. Polower
Can someone tell me how to live in the now?
When each and every hour brings along another pain?
Can someone give me some kind of prayer or vow
Which will make me want to really "live" again?
Can someone give me some words of wisdom
Which will help me hear the song of the lark?
Can someone take me out of my doldrums
Fraught with uncertainty, sadness and dark?
If someone could just tell me how to survive all this --
This depression and misery which seem to never cease
I shall be sorely tempted to throw a huge kiss
To all of you who can give my life some ease.
Love,
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
The Dawn Falls Silently
By Genie E. Polower
The dawn falls silently
Silently, my soul falls vigilant
Awaiting dreaded dreams of a future warped
By time and desire unfulfilled
Dreams of faces familiar, yet unknown
Dreams of acts filled with passion and fear.
The night comes suddenly
Suddenly my dreams awaken
A sense of urgency, a need for freedom
From a past beset with conflicting instincts
A desire for excitement so fleeting, yet real
Then, I awaken, a prisoner of my own reality.
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
Muddled Thoughts
By Genie E. Polower
Muddled thoughts
Unsteady gait
Inability to think straight
Nothing much makes any more sense
And I'm tired of sitting on the fence
Shaky, foggy, not mentally sound
I think I belong in a dog pound
Never felt anger before this year
Used to be full of gladness and cheer
Anger can be a destructive emotion
Wish I could use some Calamine lotion
But, that only works, if you've got an itch
And not when you've turned into a wicked witch!
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
I Have To Face My Demons
By Genie E. Polower
I have to face my demons
As tought as this may be
For only by confronting them
The truth will set me free
At times I often ask myself:
Why am I so ill?
And, then the answer comes to me --
I'm weaning off a pill!
It's true I have Graves' disease
Which is reality
But, before taking these benzos
I still behaved like me.
I was a happy person
Outgoing and very giving
And now, I am a recluse
Shut in and hardly living.
It's really hard to fathom
How a simple medication
Can produce such myriad symptoms
And cause such consternation.
But, even medical literature
Attests to what I'm saying
That these pills are insidious
And they are mentally maiming.
I try performing simple tasks
Like cleaning out my drawers
And after just a little while,
I'm crawling on all fours.
Fair weather friends all shun me
For I'm no longer fun
I can't go out and frolic
Or spend hours in the sun.
And then, so-called male friends
Are really not friends at all
They're just looking for some "action"
When rebuffed, they never call.
For, as a married lady
I will not fool around
So, when hubby is too busy
I'm lonely, but stand my ground.
I am agoraphobic
And I no longer care
About the way my face looks
Or what I'm gonna wear.
I spend each day just wond'ring
If I'll ever be the same
Rationally, I believe that I will
But still this is a shame!
I musician without purpose
A writer without cause
A wife who has become a sloth
Whose whole life is a pause.
Or, had I not reinstated
My life would not be easy
But, I would not be feeling depressed
And tired and so queasy.
I heard that there's an end to this
I've been there once before
But recovery's a lengthy process
And much suffering is still in store.
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
It's Mindboggling What Benzos Can Do
by Genie E. Polower
It's mindboggling what benzos can do
Sometimes I think I have an endless flu
The aches and pains change like a kaleidoscope
And because of these changes it's real hard to cope
One day my head hurts too much for me to move
The next day, I have brain shakes which are really hard to prove
The following day, my nipples hurt from lactation
Then, my teeth hurt and feel like an impaction
The internal tremors can sometimes drive me bonkers
Although in New York State, can't even get to Yonkers
Coz I'm an endless prisoner of my own, lovely house
Feeling like a weird, pathetic, caged and frightened mouse
Then my throat will tighten whene'er I try to eat
And then the itching begins on the soles of my feet
Desinex quiets the itch, but it doesn't help the shaking
Which seems to consist of internal and external quaking
The benzopression every day seems always to set in
And, there are times when my patience sure runs thin
Isolated and forlorn, I try to do the dishes
Or bake some salmon or other types of fishes
But, afterwards I must lie down coz I'm tired
But, when I do, then my CNS gets wired
And, then the hacking coughing does ensue
which surely makes me think I've a bad case of the flu
The shoulder pain just seems to come and go
And first, it's diarrhea, then the going becomes slow
The bowel problems do their thing whene'er the mood does strike
I surely wish that all these symptoms would just take a hike
But, sadly, they just never ever seem to go away
As I struggle with each and every one each day
At least thankfully the chest pains are really pretty rare
For, this is one symptom which I really cannot bear
I often ask myself how this happened a second time
As the symptoms change from the ridic to the sublime
Only music and TV can quell this situation
I truly envy people who can take a long vacation
From a suffering which in essence is really far too long
For me to grace the symptoms with a dance and song
I tell myself each hour that this is not depression
Although coping with it all becomes a terrible obsession
My GABAs are just screaming and trying to be free
And, at this time, they are having their way with me
With hope and prayer and loads of real acceptance
Perhaps one day both you and I will find true deliverance.
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
Non-existent Lives
By Genie Polower
We try
Try to find meaning in our meaningless lives
We strive
Strive to do better, even in our darkest hours
We cry
Cry for the creatures with no chance of survival
We whine
Whine for ourselves and for others in pain
We dream
Dream of the winged critters who can fly freely
We think
Think of new ways to cherish the moment
We hope
Hope for a future which will give meaning to our
temporary, non-existent lives.
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
This Taper is Worse than the
Last One
By Genie Polower
This taper is worse than the last one I tell you
The symptoms are daunting and I'm totally yellow
The breast pain is certainly very enlightening
And the chest pain can sometimes be extremely frightening
For weeks I was doing a little bit better
Although I was definitely under the weather
But now I'm beset with these terrible pains
And it doesn't much matter if it's sunny or rains
I just had to just cancel my music session
Which always winds up being a music lesson
I figure it's wiser to rest at home alone
Than subject myself my friend to my songs without tone
I can barely speak right now, let alone sing
And, really I don't want to do a darned thing
Besides write and read and watch a little TV
When I can, when the pain doesn't overtake me
If this is withdrawal, it surely does suck
And, if it's in the cards, maybe I'll have some luck
Perhaps in a few days, if not in a few hours
Maybe I can enjoy the smell of the flowers
Since, as fall approaches, they surely will die
As will all the honey bees and maybe a fly
I wish I could just live now a normal life
But, instead my existence is beset with strife
Yesterday I only made a very miniscule cut
And already I am in a terrible rut
One of my favorite cats is missing
I doubt she found beau and is out there kissing
If I don't write much these days it's coz I'm sick
And I don't want to see the doc double quick
I'm trying to avoid having to go for tests
Because of false positives benzoids get at best
This poem, I admit is a little bit messy
But, I suppose 'tis better than my getting testy
About something I simply have no control over
And, I can't even be a normal lover
It's all about me, when I was never this way
I used to love to sing, and dance and play
I was outgoing and downright hilarious
But now my existence is simply precarious
I do hope this breast thing will subside real soon
Or, otherwise I think I'll fly to the moon!
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
By Genie E. Polower
I should have realized that taking a pill for sleep
Would eventually cause me to wake up early and do nothing but weep.
But, I was too determined to avoid a heart attack
And now the stupid benzo pill decided to pay me back.
I cannot say I get no sleep, for I can't tell a lie
But, the quality of my sleep's so poor, I just wake up and cry.
While others are snoring in their beds for the entire night
I wake up every 4 a.m. to face my sorry plight.
I pop my pill and take a shower so I can sleep again
But, often sleep eludes me coz of head and tummy pain.
And then, the nightmares come along, the weirdest of all dreams
Sometimes the dreams are so macabre, they make me want to scream.
The other night I dreamed a man broke into my house carrying a knife
And someone knocked upon my door to try to save my life.
In the dream, I opened the door and said, "Dad, I'm glad you're here."
But, the man replied, "I am not your father and you have more to fear.
For, I am Henry Kissinger and can't do anything."
I woke up in the coldest sweat, but glad I was still living.
Can you just imagine having a dream as bizarre as this?
I tell you now that benzo dreams can destroy one's restful bliss.
They tell you often if you dream that you are trying to heal
But, with nightmares such as this one nothing ever seems real!
However, my dear, departed Dad was the spit and image of Henry
Kissinger, so I suppose there was a reason for the dream on some
level.
Hope you have a good night's rest.
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
How Do You Talk Your Way Out Of Depression?
By Genie E. Polower
How do you talk your way out of depression?
You just tell yourself it will subside?
How do you rid yourself of this oppression
Do you just go along for the ride?
When I have good windows, I feel elated
But, these windows appear very short
This awful depression keeps me sedated
And I can't even hold down the fort.
In my mind I want to actually do things
Such as practice my music or play
But, unfortunately, only my heart sings
While I lie in my bed and I pray.
Today at the hairdresser's salon
I even told a few funny stories
But, I found it so hard to just hang on
Because of my myriad worries.
I tell myself that the weather's great
And, that I don't even have to work
But, I'd much rather work than vegetate
Or be a burdensome and useless jerk.
I tell myself it must be the pills
Which are responsible for some of my woes
And, I still try my hardest to climb little hills
And hope I'll get some sweet repose.
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
Perhaps One Day I'll Be As Good As New
By Genie E. Polower
Airplanes cruising across the sky
There's a Japanese pine try from where I lie
There is no place where I can fly
Because I'm simply too ill to try.
Breathtaking fall foliage I can't enjoy
Which would delight most girl or boy
If I only could, I would be coy
But, I live each minute without joy.
My husband wants to take a walk
Yet, it's an effort just to talk
And, almost every day I seem to balk
At doing anything but watch a hawk.
It is a sad, abysmal life
When you can't be a normal wife
To a good husband full of strife
When depression hurts you like a knife.
Before these pills, I sure was ill
But, I was able to do things still
Now, all my days are pretty nil
And, it hurts me just to climb a hill.
Anyone else would love my home
It's peaceful, pretty, I can't roam
But from this cave I can fill a tome
Like this cry for help, this desperate poem.
I have to pray there'll come a day
When I am well enough to play
If only I could find a way
Besides this endless need to pray.
Tapering benzos is getting worse
I feel as though I've got the curse
Got lots of money in my purse
But, all my thoughts are dark and terse.
Now, I must think of what to do
My options now are very few
But, if I fight, and stay true blue
Perhaps one day I'll be good as new.
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
By Genie E. Polower
In the 60s, it was cool to drop acid
And to smoke both hashish and pot
But, I guess I wasn't a very cool kid
And I valued my own mind a lot.
A happy girl who was so high on life
That I just refused to try all that stuff
And, I was so proud of my abstinence
That I continued to hang tough.
Some folks shunned me and called me a nerd
But, I didn't care coz I felt I was right
I didn't want jail time or a messed up head
Coz I was exceptionally bright.
No one ever mentioned mind-altering drugs
Legal drugs which are handed out like candy
By doctors who wanted to earn a quick buck
And thought this was just fine and dandy.
And so I, at age 52, I took these "drugs" for sleep
And, every night, when I popped benzo poison
I prayed the Lord my soul to keep.
I learned the hard way that mind-altering drugs
Are not only sold on the street
And that all these harmful substances
Can knock us all off our feet.
So, as an accidental junkie now
I sometimes still chomp at the bit
Just wishing sometimes the doctors who hurt us
Would be forced to take a hit.
For those of us tapering, it's still a good thing
That we have access to these pills
But, we need to educate ignorant doctors
That addiction won't pay all their bills.
I'm hoping that sometime in years to come
Someone will invent something else
So, we all won't have to be benzo sick
And spend our lives on the shelf.
The trouble is that we're in the minority
And here the majority rules
But, at least we have our knowledge behind us
And we will not always be fools.
Maybe someone here who is brighter than I
Can come up with another solution
So that our poor brains can finally heal
And not be stuck with benzo pollution!
Love,
Genie
On Hope
By Genie E. Polower
When your life isn't going right
Try not to just give up the fight.
For, who said life was always fair?
Or that most people really care?
When you know you're very ill
And you sometimes have to take a pill
Just tell yourself it's temporary
And try not to be very wary
Of life which surely is uncertain
Or crouch in fear behind a curtain
You need to do something that's productive
So that your life is more constructive.
If you just cannot go outside
This does not mean you need to hide
You can still admire a rainbow
Or enjoy Holiday lights aglow.
Maybe you can write about your life
To help others to cope with their strife.
By helping others you'll surely feel
A satisfaction which is real.
By reaching out and touching the hearts
Of others, you're using your own smarts
To also help yourself out of the doldrums
And lead a life which is less humdrum.
For only by becoming part of the whole
Can you realize you have a role
And, with this knowledge you'll learn to cope
Because you'll realize that there is hope.
Love,
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
Nothing Makes Sense Anymore
By Genie Polower
Sitting in front of the boring ole telly
Feeling so sick, kind of stinky and smelly
Wanting so much to get into the groove
But with a bad knee, finding it so hard to move
And, people call me all day on the telephone
Sometimes I think they're in some other zone
And, at times I think that really I'm losing it
Or, maybe the trouble is I'm just confusing it
Life can be baffling, and I don't understand
Why I get this tight band feeling around my head
My relationships often abound in a mystery
Perhaps I ought to study some ancient history
I'm trying so hard to be much more loving
But my thoughts are disjointed, and they keep on roving
To dark places which I do not even want to know
And, I always appear to put on a good show
To keep my true feelings from wandering out
I know what I need, yet I just want to shout
I'm hurting all over and need some affection
But all I get sometimes is unwanted attention
I've been a good person, but now I am sick
Life just isn't fair and I'm getting my licks
Self pity is a stupid and senseless emotion
So, I try instead to send some good vibes in motion
Nothing makes very much sense anymore
Maybe I just need something good to pray for!
Love,
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
It is our Faith which Makes us
Whole
By Genie E. Polower
Raindrops fall
Snowflakes glisten
But, why won't anybody listen
To the desperate cry of a wounded bird
Who can't utter a single word?
Winds blow cold
And tree limbs fall
But, what's the meaning of it all
When every day is fraught with pain
And we cannot ward off the rain?
The meaning has must come from within
And, we must forge a thicker skin
So we can cope with what's to come
As we hear the raindrops' gentle hum
And know that deep within our soul
It is our faith which makes us whole.
Love,
Genie
Happy Birthday from our Fluffies
By Genie E. Polower
Happy birthday, said the Daffy
I guess it's better you than me
Last week I thought I was a goner
Until you graced me with the honor
To see the vet and have some tests
Which showed that I had IBS.
Now, I'm a happy little Fee
I feel much better, as you can see.
Happy birthday, said the Mule
I need to go to pissing school.
Sometimes it's hard to find the box
I'm just a cat and not a fox.
I sneeze as much as your ole Gimpy
But, even so, I am not wimpy.
If Black Thing tries to steal my food
I whack him 'cause he is so rude!
Happy birthday, said the Sunster
I can be quite a little munster
I strut around the property
King of the Hill the folks call me.
I'm clever and I open doors
I chase everything that's on all fours.
I love to eat and fight with cats
And chase the mice and little rats.
Happy birthday, said the Bip
The things I co can make you flip
I like to curl up in a bowl
And hump when I can find a hole.
When you're away I'm very lonely
I want to cuddle with you only
The other fluffs don't want to play
Humpty Dumpty every day.
Happy Birthday, said the Grushball
You saved me from a major fall
Down the big tree where I got stuck
Meeting you was a stroke of luck.
I'm sorry you got a sore throat
Trying to save my sorry coat.
I turned into a fluffy cat
Which is far better than a rat!
Happy Birthday, said the Simba
Although I can't dance the Marimba
I try to be a real good boy
And hope that I can bring you joy.
Though I'm your gentle tiger fluff
Keeping my image does get rough
Don't want to be a gangsta cat
Don't have much patience for all that.
Happy Birthday, said the Tiggie
My real name surely should be Piggy
I eat and eat just like a horse
From bowl to bowl, from course to course.
I hiss at everything that meows
Sing for my supper or for a mouse
When I can't get into the groove
I simply leave the house and move.
Happy birthday, said the Mermie
I know I can be pretty squirmy
You think that I'm a fraidy cat
I can't really argue with that.
The reason that I am so funny
Is that I lived with Kevin Mummy
I know you do not like me much
But I'm just scared and soft to touch.
Happy birthday, said the Black Black
Sometimes I sure deserve a whack whack
I scamper all around the house
As though always chasing a mouse.
The other cats think I'm a pest
I eat their food and make a mess
But, I'm a real good natured fluff
Although behaving can be tough!
By Genie Polower
I'm alive today, although quite ill
And, all because I took a pill.
I thought the pill would ease my pain
Instead, it's driving me insane!
With pills the doctors tried to lure me
Although they can't begin to cure me.
And, since the pills became addictive
I turned from kindly to vindictive.
There are some pills you can stop taking
Sans ill effects, seizures or shaking
But, if you're hooked on benzo pills
Slowly weaning prevents such ills.
Yet, weaning slowly means suffering slowly
This malaise makes you behave quite lowly.
The mood swings make you think you're crazy
And, family and friends just think you're lazy.
Sometimes it hurts to move your head
So you lie there like a sloth in bed.
When you've a good window, you're elated
Although the meds make you sedated.
When symptoms escalate, you're torn asunder
But, this still beats being ten feet under!
I'm alive today, I often say
In hope of a cure one happy day!
Love,
Yours in withdrawal,
Genie
Dear Friends,
Headache, headache go away
Find somewhere else to play
Come again some other day
Headache, headache, go away!
By Genie E. Polower
If I were a bear
I could hibernate
With never a care
I'd simply vegetate.
I'd skip the whole winter
With its ice and frost
And, in the interim,
I'd not feel so lost.
I really wouldn't mind
If my bones didn't ache
I'd be much more kind
And, I'd cease to shake
With every cool breeze
Or, get a sharp chill
In my sensitive knees.
This winter is rough
I can't tell a lie
The pain's tough enough
I'd much rather fly
Like a loony bird
Over land and ocean
Than to ache and hurt
With every small motion.
If I were a bear,
I wouldn't awaken
Every single morning
So lost and so shaken.
When we are young
We can stand the cold
With dreams far flung
Suddenly we grow old
Not in years perhaps
But in our worn minds
I can't walk two laps
And e'er close the blinds
To block out the winter's